Mixed Signals

Anyone who knows me knows that I love my job, but would love my job even more if I were in a higher position. I'm just getting very fed up with the "soon" and the "maybe" and the "changes are coming" script they seem to read every time a new position opens up.

I've worked there for three years, and not just worked there, I've give that place my full attention every single day I walk through the doors. Not to sound like a suckup, but I really do like what I do. I enjoy the hectic chaos that comes through the newsroom day in and day out. When I get to produce the noon, I feel like I've accomplished something... but now I'm ready for more.

Three times now I've applied for vacant producer positions and three times I've been turned down. Well, not turned down, rather told, "Next time. Changes are coming." Well, next time is here again. All of my co-workers tell me I'm pretty much the obvious choice for the position. They all agree that I'd be good at it and that it's my time to shine. I've even been added to the schedule to fill in for the now vacant position.

So why, after my interview with the boss man today, do I feel like I'm not the one they're going to choose? I didn't leave the meeting with an optimistic feeling. I think that they're going to convince me to fill-in on the shift (which didn't take much convincing), let me get my hopes up, let me gain some confidence again, then shoot me down. If I prove that I can handle the job, and I get along with all of my co-workers, and I have more determination than a lot of other people, then why wouldn't someone hire me? I'm ready!! Pick me!! And if you don't pick me please give me a good reason why you didn't.

The Wedding

I don't think it's possible to sum up my wedding day in words. I don't even think pictures can portray the amazing emotions I felt on that day. Imagine happiness, wrapped in excitement, covered in serenity, put in a bag full of nerves, which is then shipped off to success-land and dropped off at 1234 Amazement Avenue. That doesn't even compare to the overwhelming emotions that I felt.

I stood in the bridal room at the Maitland Art Center, listening to the excitement of people setting up and getting ready for the big moment. For the first time I saw everything flash before me. There I was, marrying the man I'd known for eight years that I would spend the rest of my life with. It was all too surreal. How could something this wonderful happen to me?
I never dreamed of my wedding day. I didn't have some pre-selected childhood fantasy built up in my mind of what the tables would look like, what color the cake would be, or how we would enter the reception after taking pictures with the photographer. But somehow my non-dream came true. Everything looked absolutely beautiful.

Then, I put on my dress.
I stood there in a long white gown, my hair professionally curled, makeup professionally applied to my face... and stared into the mirror. Suddenly, I thought something I wouldn't believe came from my own mind. I looked beautiful. I felt like a first-grader playing in momma's dress-up clothes. I stood there feeling like a woman, feeling put together, feeling confident and incredibly loved.

I took a deep breath. I walked outside my little room. I could hear the romantic guitar music I'd chosen for the guests to be seated to. And my heart raced. I can honestly say that I never felt faint, but I did feel something that almost took me off my feet. I didn't want to cry. I didn't cry. I just breathed. I took in air the way I would if I'd been holding my breath for two minutes and could finally release. In fact, that's exactly how I'd describe that first oh-my-God-I'm-a-bride moment: like it was the first breath I ever took.


A few minutes after it sank in, Mom brought Dad over. He smiled at me with those beautiful blue eyes. The same blue eyes he blessed me with 23-years ago. I smiled back, but my eyes filled with tears. It wasn't sadness. He looked more proud than I'd ever seen him before. He whispered something to me. I don't remember the exact words now, but it was something along the lines of, "you look so beautiful." And with that, I put my arm in his and we headed for the small outdoor chapel.


The ceremony was stunningly romantic. My emotions exploded. We promised ourselves to each other a long time ago, but hearing him say those vows meant more to me than he will ever know. I choked up and sobbed my way through the entire ceremony. I am forever grateful to my sister who thoughtfully placed a tissue between her breasts before the wedding. She knew I would lose it. I was happy that she pulled the Kleenex from her dress for me to wipe away my tears and my expensive makeup.


After that, the wedding seemed pretty routine. The emotional part was over. We took pictures, talked with our guests, fed each other cake, and swayed our way through a painfully long first dance.

I don't have many pictures yet to share from my special day, but I included a few that show the emotion of the event.

We're Married!

On April 18, 2009 I shed my former identity and picked up a new one. (Actually, that happened about a week-and-a-half later when I stopped by the Social Security office.)

In any case, I've decided to create a new online identity as well. Please enjoy my humble blog. While it will mostly be random ramblings about my life, I hope to also provide some interesting and/or important information.